Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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