That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
