i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
