and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
