So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
