Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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