Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
