I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
