I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
