genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
