i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
