I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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