He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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