i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
they're like a gay fantastic four
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
