If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
