I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
