Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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