Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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