woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
