You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
