I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
