so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
