Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
