I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
