the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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