he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
