somebody snuck up and got me drunk
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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