His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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