i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Girls should come with a carfax report
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
