Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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