I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
