Already got asked if we're dating
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
