So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
