you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
a search helicopter?!
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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