mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
someone get that fucking seahorse.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
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