can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
