Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
