I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
