I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
