My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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