I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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