1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
