I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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