I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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