Say something about gay babies.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
