Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
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