dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
