We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
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