I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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