I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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